


Broken Howl

by JustAnotherWordSmith



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Azkaban, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-30
Updated: 2019-08-30
Packaged: 2020-09-30 10:56:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20446004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustAnotherWordSmith/pseuds/JustAnotherWordSmith
Summary: “I have to know. I need to face him, or I’ll never recover.”





	Broken Howl

_ “Remus, I must advise you not to do this.” _

He heard Dumbledore’s voice echoing in his mind, like a phantom voice drifting across the choppy waves, haunting the dark waters of his memory.

_ “You’ve been through so much already, this will only bring you more pain.” _

The boat hit a particularly rough wave, and he closed his eyes against the salty spray, shutting out the world around him. 

_ “I have to know. I need to face him, or I’ll never recover.”  _

His own words sank into the pit of his stomach, only deepening the wound already gaping inside him. 

Closure. He would never have that with James and Lily, or with poor Peter. The other’s they’d lost during the war...there had been many words said at many times, all far too aware that every conversation might be their last. Things normally held back had been voiced, sentiments unspoken were exchanged, and although there was always more to be said, at least they had known some of them.

He needed closure with this.

Opening his eyes again, they pierced across the dark water. And there, beneath the inky black sky, stood a tall tower. Cold. Harsh. Lonely.

Heart pounding, he steeled himself, and watched Azkaban draw ever closer.

~

Screams. Darkness. Misery. 

These were the soundtrack to his days. The lullaby that sent him into nightmare filled sleep, the anthem that marched him agonizingly through the dark days, the chant of guilt and pain and loss that haunted his every moment.

He found himself lost in it all most days, wandering through a haze of grief and fear. Anger would sometimes bring him back. Sudden fits of rage that clawed and smashed at his mind until he was pulled free and could think clearly, stay present in his grim reality for moments, sometimes that stretched into days.

But it always ended the same, sleep deprived and crippled by the weight of it all, he would fade again. Existing like a shade, a ghost, lost to screams and tears and blankness. Sometimes he craved it, the numbness that came from not being. Memories were fuzzy in those times. 

And then the guilt would return. Because how could he ever wish to forget? How dare he try to betray their memory like that. He needed to feel it, the cutting raw edge of their loss, needed to remember them, no matter how painful.

Besides. He deserved this, didn’t he?

~

Cold. It was so cold. Not just in temperature, no, it was deprived of every speck of light, any taste of warmth, even the smallest hint at something positive was immediately smothered in the sheer emptiness of it all.

Remus shivered, pulling his tattered cloak tighter around himself, offhandedly thinking that he resembled the guards with his battered and weakened appearance. 

Most of the prisoners didn’t even look up as he walked past, curled into corners or standing against the walls, shaking and chattering to themselves. Sometimes they would cry out, or suddenly thrash as if trying to fight off an invisible assailant. 

As his path took him closer and closer to his target, he felt the anxiety wash over him like an icy wave, stomach lurching in threat of being sick, heart racing so fast it might leap from his chest. 

Would he...what would he be facing when he reached the cell? Who would be waiting on the other side of the bars? Would he be able to see the boy he had been friends with? The young man that he had been-  _ was  _ -in love with? Or were those merely shades as well? Masks he had worn in order to gain trust.

He paused, holding a hand to his stomach as it roiled, closing his eyes tightly as he fought back the rise of emotion that threatened to leave him as broken as those in the cells around him.

Just around the corner, at the end of the hall. He was right there, so close, practically within reach.

With his eyes closed, he suddenly was able to focus more on his other senses. So faintly he wondered if he imagined it, he- he could... 

_ “...Moony?” _

As if possessed, he straightened in the hall and turned back the way he had come, feet moving of their own accord as tears burned in his eyes, throat tightening until it threatened to choke him. He ran until he reached the stairs, tearing down multiple steps at a time in his panicked retreat. 

He tripped and fell the last few stairs, further tearing his cloak and scraping his elbow, his knees stinging from blossoming bruises as he pushed himself up and broke free into the night air. The wind whipped the curls around his head, freezing the streaks of tears down his face as he scrubbed at his eyes and stumbled back to the boat.

~

He had drifted again. The dark had claimed him and there was nothing but swirling masses of awful memories and waves of heartache. 

It was almost like being in a stormy sky, surrounded by dark clouds that smothered you, there was nothing but the mass of despair around you, leaving you captive to your own darkest self.

Then.

Suddenly, something called to him. It was like a beam of moonlight had suddenly broken through the swarm of ink, shining like a beacon that led him out of his mind.

As the cell came into focus around him, he shifted into a sitting position, the stone behind him scraping his back painfully, but he hardly noticed. He was locked onto that light, more focused than he had been since arriving in this place. The frantic pounding of his heart filled his mind as he closed his eyes and concentrated.

It couldn’t be. His mind was playing tricks on him, another cruel way to torture him. Breathing deeply, he willed his animagus senses to push through, and there it was, unmistakable. A scent.

His eyes opened, and the breath he’d been holding escaped softly carrying with it a single word, “...Moony?”

Suddenly there was a rush of sound, and the smell began to fade. Panic seized Sirius and he scrambled toward the door of his cell, cursing the shackles that cut into his ankles and tripped him. Barely reaching the bars, he clung to them until his knuckles turned white. “Remus! Wait!” 

The scent was just a lingering thing now, fading with every passing second.

“Fuck!” He hit his head against the bars, pressing his forehead against them as he screamed. “Wait! I- I didn’t do it! I swear on James and Lily I didn’t do it! Remus, wait!” 

The sound of a boat engine, the clatter of chains as he scrambled back and climbed onto the shelf that served as his bed, straining to see anything from the slit of a window high on the wall. “Remus, come back!” His throat was hoarse and broken from only using it to scream or cry, and he cursed its weakness as he fought to make himself heard above the wind and the waves outside. “Don’t leave me! Please..._don’t_-” he broke off, tears burning hotly against his cheeks as he sobbed, his body shaking uncontrollably as he crumpled to the floor. Broken. Abandoned. Alone.

~

Remus was trembling, his body had been seized in a fit of panic since he had turned to leave the prison. He could hardly breathe, couldn’t speak, he had only been able to move through sheer desperation. And now he sat frozen, huddled at the bottom of the boat with his arms wrapped tightly around himself like a frightened child. 

The tears hadn’t stopped, and he wondered briefly if they ever would. Whatever fragile wall he had built around himself to keep from completely falling apart had just turned to dust. Now he was just...broken. And alone.

As Azkaban faded behind him, his sharp ears picked up a faint sound carried over the waves.

A howl.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Mending](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21265157) by [Under_the_Willow](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Under_the_Willow/pseuds/Under_the_Willow)


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